Creative Writers Online

I’ve chosen to write

so you’ll know that I exist

even if it resembles a teenager

carving words into a café’s table

people will know at some point

in some small aspect I was here

some unwritten rule that an artist

gets actualized only after they’re gone

must every artist starve to death

so that the rule can be applied to them?

suffering is part of inspiration

as love is formed into poetry

if only for the love of a poem

or the joy of self expression

authentically being myself

even if what I say or do

rejects all those who reject me

I don’t know if it’s really me they despise

maybe it’s a loathing for the truth

an uncomfortable feeling inside themselves

created by a mist of denial

thick as fog, hiding all honesty

they embrace the role of conformity

keeps them safe from daggers of scrutiny

keeps their wheels spinning in some direction

driving them to planned destinations

allow me to be impulsively guided

to wherever I need to be at this moment

saying whatever is inspired by my heart

provocatively carving more art

infantile as all of it seems

I want to live what my heart desires

maybe then I can find the joy

from the suffering I hope to outlive

then one day someone will decipher

all the marks I engraved without thought

from the scars others etched in my soul

that day when all doubt is removed

cognizance of what I screamed about

although some chose to tune me out

I collected every shred of doubt

stitched the pieces together, made a quilt

covers me so I won’t expose

any more of my feelings to those

people immune to reality

wishing silently I would not heal

laughing out loud thinking me insane

my words will echo back to them

as their children read all my remarks

see my carvings as works of art

I hope I’m still living to witness

breaking one last rule before leaving

©November 2009 – Tamara Nicholas